Kylee's AUX is a 12-month project that consists of 12 photoshoots, one for each month of 2023. These shoots are inspired by music: songs, album covers, and music videos. Music is one of the most powerful ways to tell a story. Music can gasp emotions. Music can alter your perspective. Music can inspire. For this project, I will take the stories told by 12 musical artists and visually tell these stories through photos. My name is Kylee Chua; I am a photographer and a visual storyteller. And this is Kylee’s AUX.
"emails i can’t send"
A photoshoot inspired by Sabrina Carpenter.
Welcome to the fifth track of Kylee’s Aux. May’s collection is inspired by Sabrina Carpenter's album, emails i can’t send. Carpenter’s album is a mix of emotions: anger, love, and confusion. In “emails i can’t send”, Carpenter uses so much emotion and transparency. The songs started as private emails she would send to herself, and then are now many fans’ favorite songs.
This photoshoot tells a story of just a girl, the Writer, who has so many bottled-up emotions. This is what it looks like to have so much to say, but not be able to say it. Follow the Writer's day, from The AM to The PM.
The AM
"I deserve an hour in a week
To focus on my thoughts
Not so obsessed with yours, I can't hear myself speak
I deserve my own consideration
Sometimes I wish I kept
Some of my feelings in the basement
So I'd still have some left"
- from "Tornado Warnings"
I am a huge Sabrina Carpenter fan, and when emails i can't send was released, I fell so in love with the album that I knew it needed to be a part of Kylee's AUX. I put a lot of time into studying what each artist is trying to say in their music. What is the deeper meaning? What is the story?
I learned from an interview that before Carpenter had a therapist, she would write and send emails to herself. In these emails, she ranted and let out all her thoughts and emotions. Eventually, these emails were turned into the songs in emails i can't send.
I was inspired by Carpenter's emails, and I loved the album photo from emails i can't send. The photo is so beautiful. Carpenter is the main subject in a very empty room. She sits on a bed, and next to her is a laptop.
The album cover is so simple, but has so much meaning.
When I was breaking down each song from the album, I couldn't pinpoint a central theme. There were love songs. Heartbreak songs. Songs about revenge. You hear Carpenter losing trust in her partners. In another song, she talks about trying again with a past failed relationship, and it goes well. It was really confusing, and I struggled to figure out what I wanted to showcase in this photoshoot.
At the end, how I perceived Carpenter's message, is that she is confused as well.
The Writer is in a confusing relationship. Maybe it's off and on. They have their good days, and then they have their bad. Maybe her partner doesn't know what they want, and maybe the Writer herself doesn't know what she wants. Or rather, the Writer knows what she wants, but is not what she needs or deserves.
"If we could take it all off and just exist
And skinny dip in water under the bridge"
- from skinny dipping
This photoshoot follows the Writer's day. She spends all day in her room--from AM to PM--just thinking.
She thinks of the "what if's" and "what did I do wrong?"
The interesting and scary thing about our mind is that we can never stop thinking. You can never turn it off. You can try to change your thoughts and distract yourself, but they will always be back.
THE PM
"I think about these things at night before I fall asleep
Things I wish you said to me"
- from "things i wish you said"
"You're good at the falling, not the staying there
You're good at the giving too much then getting scared
You're good at impersonating someone who cares
And you had me for a minute there
But now I wonder why
I let your confusion keep me up at night
I'm so tired
Re-read every single undertone and I
Overanalyzed it, front, back, and beside it
Where else can we go?
There's nothing left here to decode
Done lookin' for signs in the gaps and the silence
It's just getting old
There's nothing left here to decode"
- from "decode"
The sun starts to set, and the Writer's room is becoming darker as she enters the PM.
"Well, maybe I believed in all your lies, 'cause I believed in you"
- from "Lonesome"
Rookie mistake: I forgot to charge my ice light. At first, I was worried about how I would be able to shoot with no light. It was starting to become extremely dark in the room. I decided to use the laptop as the main source of light, an idea I remember seeing in Carpenter's music videos. It all worked out perfectly. The laptop screen only lit up the Writer, and she was surrounded by darkness in the empty room. It gave a feeling of isolation. Almost as if she's trapped in her thoughts.
I printed about 150 pieces of paper (that we made sure to recycle after). I printed some of the lyrics of songs from emails i can't send. I also found a few love and breakup letters online that were printed as well. We spread them all over the bed. These pieces of paper represent all of the emails Carpenter may have emailed to herself as she mentioned in the interview.
"I wonder how many things you think about before you get to me
I wonder how many things you wanna do, you think I'm in-between
I feel myself falling further down your priorities
And I still make excuses for you constantly
I wonder how many things you think about
Before, before you get to me"
- from "how many things"
While I get most of my inspiration from the music itself, the stories I tell in my photoshoots are completely how I perceived the artist's message. As I finish typing this blog, I realized the story I shared of the Writer is very personal to me. And it felt more like I was writing in my journal rather than telling someone else's story.
I think a lot of us have felt the same emotions this album shares. We have all had nights where we couldn't sleep due to thinking so much. We all had a point where this was just so much we wanted to say, completely get it off our chest, but we can never find the courage to say it.
Maybe you are owed an apology.
Maybe you want answers.
Maybe you just desire closure.
I've experienced this feeling a few times. I've had too much to say but decide to just keep it to myself. These thoughts can eat you up and make you feel sick to your stomach.
But time truly heals. You eventually learned that you don't need an apology, answers, or closure. You learn how to apologize and make it up to yourself. You learn that answers don't always help. You learn to find peace and closure in yourself.
The Writer
Sienna Stewart | IG @sienna_stewart__
I want to say thank you to Sienna. I have been following Sienna on Instagram for the past few years now. When I was planning this photoshoot, I knew Sienna would fit the vibe perfectly. She was so sweet to shoot with, and I hope we can work together soon again.
Thank you, Sienna.
Look out for Track 6 in June; I got some fun stuff planned.
Check out my Instagram, @kyleewithacamera, for more of my work.
Below are more photos from "emails i can’t send"
